Tomorrow morning we leave for Bohoc. Tonight, as things wind down, I am excited to join my team and finally board the plane to Haiti. However, this week has been a jumble of emotions. I started the week excited, filled with anticipation of serving with an amazing team. But, each day this week seemed to have a different challenge: I felt as though I was really doing spiritual battle. One day I was fighting old familiar temptations and another day I was fighting off anxiety. I feel sure that it was the enemy trying to devour me before setting out for Haiti. But, while I was in the midst of some anxiety, I spent some time talking with my mom, who could hear in my conversation things I couldn’t hear my own self saying. I realized during that conversation that part of what was making me apprehensive was my inability to get myself “over the rope.”

Let me explain.

Part of our team prep for Haiti included a weekend retreat. During the retreat, our team did some team building exercises. One of them included an activity in which we had to physically move our team over a shoulder-high rope without touching the rope. As-of-yet my team did not know this, however, that activity was a high-anxiety activity for me. I have never participated in a trust-fall, or anything similar. To allow my team to move me over a rope required I completely trust them in more than an emotional-spiritual way. I had to allow them to pick me up and carry me. That was a big deal. But I learned something from that activity. When I allowed them to pick me up and carry me, it felt good. It felt good to trust, and it felt good to be carried.

This week, I realized, Haiti is like a big rope strung up way above my head and there is no way I can get myself over it. I have to trust that someone (God) is going to carry me over. I have to trust other people to feed me, other people to transport me, other people to care for my well being. I can’t do this all by myself. And, that’s hard. I have been taking care of myself for a long time. It was just this week I realized I was taking a giant step outside my comfort zone. But! It feels good. It feels right to trust that God is going to carry me. More than once this week I have listen to Louie Giglio read from his book: I am not, but I know I AM.

I could go to Haiti and survive, but I can’t go to Haiti and thrive without I AM. I am trusting that God is going to do more than meet us and move in our hearts, He is going to carry us to Haiti, in Haiti, and home again. And, that is something I absolutely can not wait to experience.

~ Em Downey